10 January 2010


Who would've thought that trying to be mature is this much hardcore. I really don't know what else to do if Nicky isn't there to guide me. Even if I sometimes feel that he treats me stupidly, I know that once I prove him that I'm capable of handling myself and that I'm mature enough he'll stop treating me like a child. It's so clever of him to treat me parallel to the way I act, that way I'll be more aware of my actions.

Today, he researched about how to act (literally) or to look mature. He said that, that helps. And I thought that he's right. We should start with the easiest things first. But, since I'm stubborn skin deep, I refuse to some of the things he's telling me to do. It's the way I dress. I told him that he can take everything from my personality and being, even pride, but I would never allow him to change the way I dress. This is something I'm positive about that it'll soon bring me good. It's also the only way I express myself thoroughly. I'm sorry, but if this is taken from me, I know nothing else I'm good at or I'll be good at. I kinda felt really down that he kept on insisting me that. If there's one person whom I'd want to appreciate my style, it's him. He has been complaining about how I dress regularly ever since we both became open. It's really hard to handle this bipolar-like actions 'cause I really don't know how to. But, I sorta think I know a way to make him think oppositely of what he thinks of my way of dressing now. I mean, I want him to appreciate this, and I will make him. Well, I'm not saying that I'll force him to death to appreciate it, I want to prove him wrong. I want to prove him that even if I dress this way, everyone (including him) will see me physically mature and such. I'll show more poise than what I used to show. I'm guilty of being hyperactive and such whenever I wear short skirts or such around him. I don't know, every time I'm with him I feel very hyper. Well, also when I'm with friends, but beyond that, I act so careful that I'm sometimes being complimented of how I act so feminine. They even see me as very fragile 'cause of how I look so slim and walk and move and such. That's why my next goal would act this way in front of everyone from now on.

Moving on, I was also asked to change my views on some things. I was asked to get rid the thought that I have to brag my maturity to friends. I'm positively guilty with this one again. Recently, I've been quiet and all when around with friends. I also tell them insights about what I'm trying to do with all the mature things going on. I know, stupid. And looking now, I feel humiliated by myself, what have I done? Haha! And it seems that what I thought of before was mature-thing-to-do turned out to be a not-so-mature-thing-to-do. Like being snobbish. I kinda snob people for two reasons, namely: (1) 'cause I'm too lazy to make friends and to talk to people I'm not friends. I don't want more friends, like I'm already contented with friends I recently have. I think they're sort of enough despite of their quantity. (2) I want to show people that I don't do things what I don't want to do. That I'm straightforward. That if I don't like you (including looks, behaviour, the way you speak, etc.), I positively won't talk to you in anyway. Like I want to show that I don't fake myself to anyone. I used to be so mean, if I don't like the person who's trying to talk to me, that even if they make physical contact already to get my attention, I still wouldn't mind them. Well, honestly, I still am like that. And now, I want to change that.

Okay, let's have a re-cap. Things I have to change from what I've realized today:
(1) Move maturely in a literal way. (stop dosing myself with anything that can make me hyper)
(2) Stop imprinting first impressions about people. Do not be snobby in anyway. If possible, keep smiling (this might also help me from looking like an 18 year old since I'm only 17).

Well, that's a wrap, till my next emo-mode post. Kbyethanks.

No comments: