29 December 2009

Random thoughts circling my mind right now...

Could you ever really even lose a friend?

Have you ever lost a friend? I think it's even harder than that of losing a lover. Why is everyone complaining of how much it hurts to lose a lover when losing a friend feels so much harder? Maybe because only few are being left by a friend. And, probably only a few experiences this kind of love towards a friend as well. Well, not just a friend-friend, but the one whom you trusted all the years you've experienced maturity and all. I recently lost a friend for some weird reason, but I tell you that this reason is never the usual. I even think that you won't ever get to hear it from anyone, any movie nor show like... ever. Well, since you don't know who I'm talking about, I guess I better just share it to you. And, well, since both of us agreed to not have any connections from this moment on, I guess she won't be reading my blog anymore. Well, I didn't actually know that she reads my blog not until our open forum awhile ago. Anyhow, lemme start the story...

So lemme give the characters' code name first:

Me = me/moi/I/myself/whatever
My bestest friend (I still want to credit her as my bestfriend because she still is in my heart) = Elaine
My quiet best friend = Genevieve
My notorious best friend = Sims
My long lost best friend = Angelina

First year high, we were in the same section, but she always hated me 'cos I'm ugly and everything. I didn't know her 'cos I don't know.

Second year high, me and Elaine became the best of friends. The thing that made us talk with each other is through a common friend, Sims, whom we both hate. Well, my reason of hating her is because she's a poser ugly bitch. Elaine's reason is because she likes this guy who used to like Sims.

Everything was totally perfect for the both of me and Elaine. I first layed my deepest secret to her. Well, she's like my first ever best friend I ever had. We called each other's house anytime we're available, sort of like couples. We share the same interests including crushes. We do everything together. We were the happiest persons ever.

During summer after 2nd year high, she visited Australia. (Brace yourself 'cos this is the most unforgettable moment I ever had with her... Well, no need to brace actually) I was stuck here in the Philippines. We did IMs, webcams, long distance calls (the best), friendster, and bebo. I was so happy that us, two, made that much effort for each other. Every time I remember this, it makes my heart smile.

Junior High. Everything became so complex between us which started from a girl which I truly hate for stealing Elaine from me. I think that's when she realized how much she's been hating me that she decided to let me feel her coldness that she's no longer into our friendship. I cried a lot, but then kept the crying to myself. I didn't want her to know of how much pain everything has cost me. My pride was in front of me that I let things pass letting others think that I thought of nothing and really don't care if my best friend was being stolen. The day came when Elaine finally told me that she no longer wanted me and that she wants me to just leave her alone without telling me the real reason why. I then learned from Sims the reason. As I remember it's because of my attitude. Because of the bitchy girl who stole Elaine from me! She told Elaine that I told her that Elaine has body odor, hell nnnnno!!! I never told that, because for all I know Elaine smelled so good, I even really loved snuggling with her 'cos she smelled so good. Anyhow, another reason is that Elaine thought I'm no good friend according to Sims. Elaine has told Sims that I told her that I hate Genevieve because she's a kill joy; and that I hate making cheeks-to-cheeks with Sims because of her disgusting zits. The Sims thing is true, but then I tell it to Sims honestly everytime I get the chance which is no biggie really. The Genevieve thing wasn't. Eventually, everything got back to the things the way it were.

Senior high. Everything was running smoothly until Elaine's mood suddenly changed and her maturity is causing me brain damage. She realized of how much her feeling was so heavy towards me. She thinks that I copy everything she does. She thinks I'm immature. She thinks I pull her down to the bottom. She thinks I wanted all the attention. She thinks I'm not worth-it to be her friend. She thinks it's better for us to go on our separate ways. She thinks she's so tired of my face, my presence, my being, and my everything. She thinks that all the unlucky things happening to her were caused by me. She thinks so many that I couldn't catch up to her anymore, honestly. She said that she hates everything in the world already that's why she's been absent 40% of the time during school days, she even almost got kicked out for accumulating that much absences. Well her reason's not only because she's lazy but also because she hates me and doesn't want to see me anymore.

After having that conversation with her in my car with our driver hearing everything, I was like totally cool about everything since I thought I got other friends to whom I can depend on. I know that 60% of what she said was true about me but I know I still love her even if she said those nasty things to me. Well, I can't do anything if that's how she feels, no one can psycho ones' heart.

After three days, we like told each other that we can't live without each other and we cried. I love her :(

Now that both of us are in College, well only me, she stopped 'cos she wants to enter other better schools than the one she used to study (a.k.a. my current school), we didn't see each other that much. After missing her a lot and so, she then recently told me that we can no longer be friends *sobs, cries, tears.* Well, she told me everything awhile ago. She said that we really should part already. She said that she has realized that she really needs to be away from me. She said that everything that has happened to her is negatively crazy all because of me. She said that she still loves me even if she thinks I have adapted her whole being. That she still isn't over with our past issues, because all the good things that are happening to me right now is all because of her ideas. She stated one example to be like this blog, grayskirtgray, she said that she first realized that she wanted to make a blog and that I copied her. I did not defend myself because I don't want to show my pride that I've shown to her like before. I can still remember and have been reminding myself that I have the blog idea by myself. And, when I told her that, she said that, that's exactly what's on her mind as well. Anyhow, I still have to defend my blog to my blog readers, don't I? Back to the story, she said that she couldn't make the circle of friends she wished to have because they all hated me. One example would be Sims. Elaine told me that Sims recently opened to her that she doesn't want to meet up with our circle because she doesn't want to see me and that she doesn't want to tell Elaine the reason, but Elaine told me that she understands Sims. She said that she thought it was just like what she feels towards me. She also told me that I also take all the friends she likes, like this awesome friend we have (let's just call him Winnie), Winnie. Well, not totally take-take, like we become more closer than who should have been really closer. It's not my fault that Winnie is the best friend of my boyfriend. But I think her insight about that is she was referring the part before my boyfriend and I were together or the process of being together. I kinda think Elaine and Winnie were closer that time. To sum it all, her point is, I have to live by myself and without an Elaine by my side or else I might be an Elaine someday. She said that at least someday when we both meet halfway, and she sees what I've become, there would be no hard feelings against us. That I've become the Raia without any of her influence or so. To prove to her that she has nothing to do with what I am now and what she has turned out. Intelligent huh?

Even if it turned out like this, I think I'll just try to be happy for her sake. I know she wants me to be happy the same way as I wanted her. But it doesn't mean I'm giving up on our friendship, I think I just need to give her a break. The break she's always wanted. Her intention wasn't all selfish, I honestly think it would do great things in each other's part as well, it just really hurts 'cos I'll really be missing her. She said she still loves me but she can't stand another moment with me. That means she'll be missing me too :P

Anyhow, I then I suggested for us to just have this 'cool-off' thing. Like when we can retrieve or reconnect our friendship after a period of time we choose. I told her if it's possible that it would be 4 year soon, thank God she agreed. Now, I don't know how I could possibly live without her. I know I'm talking like she's some kind of a boyfriend to me, but that's how I love my best friend.

I just wish she'd come back to me sooner. Don't she think that our current separation is like we're both in different worlds already since we don't get to see each other that much and that we're now in different school's enough? I still love her even if she's this crazy, because I'm that crazy as well :|

P.S. I don't worry posting this publicly because none of my few other personal friends view my blog. Well, I don't keep it secretly, but I guess they're just not plain interested in things their friends do. I think that's better, like not having stalker friends. My FB where I post my blog post's url are also safe, all my friends there are also not interested in things I do out here. Nevertheless, I won't be posting this link there. LOL.
P.P.S. I miss Elaine.
P.P.P.S. I miss the both of us. I didn't know that our last outing would be that last time I would ever see her again after 4 years time. *sobs*


Anonymous said...

The writer of grayskirtgray.blogspot.com has written a superior article. I got your point and there is nothing to argue about. It is like the following universal truth that you can not disagree with: true infinite love is like a dream without cause I will be back.

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